For generations, “good manners” have been seen as a hallmark of proper upbringing. But as times change, so do our perceptions of what it means to behave respectfully and kindly toward others. Many of the “rules” we once lived by were actually subtle ways of keeping control over others, particularly women and those who were less privileged. Let’s take a look at 13 outdated “good manners” that were actually codes for control.
1. “Children Should Be Seen and Not Heard”
This phrase was often used to quiet children and limit their freedom of expression. While children should certainly learn to listen and respect their elders, this mantra didn’t allow for healthy conversation or the development of independence. It was a way to keep children in their place, ensuring they wouldn’t challenge authority.
2. “Don’t Speak Until Spoken To”
While it’s important to be polite and not interrupt, this rule often restricted people from speaking up, especially in situations where they had something valuable to contribute. It disproportionately affected women, who were expected to stay silent unless given permission to speak, reinforcing the notion that their voices weren’t as important.
3. “Sit Up Straight and Don’t Slouch”
While good posture is important for health, this rule often went beyond that, emphasizing appearance over comfort or well-being. It was a way to enforce a rigid, uniform way of behaving, signaling that being too relaxed or individualistic was “unseemly.”
4. “Always Offer Your Seat to Elders”
Offering a seat to someone who needs it is kind, but this rule sometimes implied that younger people were inferior to older generations. It placed an undue burden on younger people, as though they owed a level of deference that should be earned through respect, not through age.
5. “Women Should Never Raise Their Voices”
There was a time when women who spoke passionately or forcefully were often labeled as “shrill” or “hysterical.” This rule was deeply embedded in the idea that women should be demure, polite, and soft-spoken, reinforcing gender norms that stifled women’s freedom to express themselves authentically.
6. “Don’t Air Your Dirty Laundry in Public”
While it’s important to maintain a certain level of discretion, this rule often kept people from discussing issues like mental health, abuse, or financial troubles. It kept people from reaching out for help, fearing judgment or shaming. Instead of fostering privacy, it became a way of controlling people’s willingness to open up about personal struggles.
7. “Always Look Your Best, Even When You’re at Home”
This was especially true for women, who were expected to maintain a certain appearance regardless of the circumstances. It was a tool of control, demanding that women prioritize their looks over comfort, their work, or even their well-being. It also reinforced the idea that their value was tied to their appearance.
8. “Don’t Talk About Money”
Discussing finances was often considered poor manners, but the real reason behind this was to prevent people from asking for fair wages or benefits. It discouraged transparency and kept the working class from organizing, effectively reinforcing the power dynamics between employers and employees.
9. “Say Please and Thank You, Even When It’s Forced”
While politeness is important, this rule sometimes demanded empty gestures rather than authentic gratitude. People were often taught to recite “please” and “thank you” without ever being encouraged to understand the meaning behind them. This diluted the value of sincere appreciation and made social interactions feel robotic.
10. “Don’t Express Anger”
Anger was often seen as a sign of weakness, especially for women, who were expected to remain calm and composed at all times. This restriction stifled emotional expression and reinforced a culture of suppression. It led people to bottle up their feelings, which often had detrimental effects on mental and physical health.
11. “Keep Your Personal Life Private”
While privacy is a right, the expectation that you should never share your personal life meant that many were forced to hide important aspects of themselves—whether it was a marriage in trouble, a child struggling with mental health, or any other personal challenge. This rule led to feelings of isolation and shame, instead of fostering community and support.
12. “Don’t Get Too Close to Your Employees”
In the workplace, it was once thought that being too friendly with subordinates would diminish your authority. This rule reinforced a hierarchy where emotional connections were seen as unprofessional, discouraging empathy and understanding between bosses and their employees.
13. “Never Question Authority”
Perhaps one of the most controlling rules of all, questioning authority was seen as disrespectful. This rule kept people from challenging unfair systems or standing up for their rights. It encouraged conformity and discouraged critical thinking, keeping the status quo intact.
Many of these outdated “rules” were simply control mechanisms designed to keep certain groups in check. Today, we recognize the importance of authenticity, emotional intelligence, and genuine mutual respect. We leave these old codes behind and embrace a more inclusive and compassionate approach to “good manners.”
What “good manners” did you grow up with that you now see differently? Share your thoughts with us!
